Insecurities are usually expressed in moments of vulnerability, and when you’re naked is when you’re at your most vulnerable; it doesn’t matter whether you’re alone or in front of someone else. That said, it is normal to feel insecure when you’re getting intimate with someone.
However, if sexual insecurities are not dealt with, it could lead to problems for you such as performance anxiety, low self esteem , painful sex, erectile dysfunction and low libido. Apart from robbing you of enjoyable sexual experiences, your partner could also be affected. So, the longer you have these insecurities, the more harm it can cause.
Don’t worry, sexual insecurities are not only normal, they’re also common and are caused by a couple of factors. Some of them include:
- Lack of experience
- Body type and image
- Genital or general body hygiene
- Penis size
- Weird sex noises or faces
- Sexual dysfunctions or other medical conditions.
If the reason behind your sexual insecurities stems from any of the issues listed above, then you’re about to find out how to deal with them for good.
Overcoming Sexual Insecurities
First thing to note is the journey from being insecure to being confident could be a long and hard road. But, as long as you’re willing to do the work, it is definitely possible. So, here are the steps to overcoming sexual Insecurities and boosting your confidence.
Build your self esteem
This is easier said than done, right? But one of the things fueling your insecurities is low self esteem, or poor body image. You need to start having a different conversation with yourself. If you had a friend who was struggling with insecurities, what would you tell them? You won’t amplify their insecurities, you’d say encouraging things, tell them they’re beautiful or things that’ll boost their confidence.
So, be that person for yourself. Don’t focus on what you think is so wrong with yourself. Encourage yourself, and work on making yourself feel better about your body. Remember that your body contributes very, very little to your self worth as a human being, so show yourself compassion. The people that genuinely care about you would not judge you, and neither should you.
Here are a few pointers on activities that can build your self esteem.
- Exercise
- Wear sexy underwear and walk around in them
- Talk nicely to yourself in the mirror
- See a therapist
Identify the reason behind your insecurities
If you’re going to tackle a problem head on, you have to deal with the cause of it. That way, you eliminate the chances of such problems resurfacing, and that’s what you want to do about your sexual insecurities. What is your earliest memory of feeling insecure?
Past experience? Experience with body shaming? Locker room conversations? Pressure from present or past partners, friends or even yourself? Hollywood’s description of what sex should look like? Whatever the reason is, you need to identify it. Put a name on it, and begin to work on overcoming it.
A good place to start would be tuning out the noise. Society has so much to say about sexuality and what it should look like; in magazines, movies, on television, music videos, practically everywhere. If you constantly engage in these things, you’re unknowingly setting an unrealistic expectation of what sex should be. Expectations that you cannot meet will only push you deeper into your insecurities.
Your body is not a problem
When it comes to private parts, there are so many unrealistic standards out there. Let’s start with the men. One of the biggest sexual insecurities a guy can have is the size of his penis. So many men worry about their penises being too small, but ironically, men who think they have small penises actually have average-sized penises, and that’s okay.
Even if your penis is smaller than average, it doesn’t mean you cannot enjoy sex or satisfy your partner. Instead, explore positions that penetrate deeply or other forms of sex, like oral sex, handjobs, you know, get creative. The notion that you need a large penis to have the best sex is absolutely ridiculous, and not realistic.
Women on the other hand are usually insecure about the size of their breasts, shape of their labia or about the fact that their vagina doesn’t smell like roses. We’re all built differently, and the size of your breasts or the shape of your labia has nothing to do with how well you can enjoy sex, and honey, nobody’s vagina smells like roses. A healthy vagina doesn’t have a foul smell though.
So, if you have concerns about the smell of your vagina, you should see a doctor. It could be because of an underlying health issue, but even though your vagina is healthy and you maintain good hygiene, it still won’t smell like roses, and that’s okay.
If your partner has a problem with the size of your penis, the size of your breasts or anything that you’re already insecure about, that’s not a you-problem. It has more to do with who they are, and if that’s their reaction to something that already bothers you, then they probably shouldn’t be in your life anyway. Your partner should make you feel better about yourself, not amplify your insecurities.
Learn your body and expand your knowledge
Another great way to overcome sexual insecurities and boost your confidence is to get familiar with yourself. What does your body look like? What are your sexual needs? How do you want to be treated by your partner? Knowing the answers to these questions is a great way to gain confidence.
Masturbation is one of the ways to get familiar with your body. Don’t be afraid to touch yourself, and take note of what feels good and what does not. You can use your hands, fingers, or even a sex toy. Apart from helping you relieve stress, masturbating helps you get in tune with your body. Besides, chances are your partner finds it hot when you tell them what you want.
It is also a good idea to read graphic books and sex novels. This could expose you to the different options you can pick from, but be careful not to set unrealistic expectations for yourself or your partner. If you’re straight, you could also read about the anatomy of your partner’s gender. Having the right knowledge can be a great ego booster.
Establish honest communication with your partner
Once you have understood yourself well enough, the next step would be to communicate with your partner. Teach them about your body and your needs. Also, talk about your insecurities and how your past relationships may have contributed to it. Talk about boundaries, triggers, kinks, sexual activities you feel safe exploring with them and others that you’re not down for.
The more open you are with your partner, the less anxious you feel around them and the more you open up yourself to them. It could take time to get 100% comfortable, but you’ll notice improvements. Before you know what’s happening, you won’t mind having sex with the lights on, or exposing certain parts of your body when you’re with them.
It could also be an ego booster if you and your partner review each sexual experience. During after care, while you and your partner are cuddled up, talk about what you liked and have them do the same. It works wonders for your confidence. Also, don’t take the not-so-great feedback personally. It’s better for your partner to be honest than to pretend, and at least you’ll know what to work on. Remember, the more you learn, the more confident you get.
Cut off anything that represents sexual shame
Many of us grew up under conditions where sex is a taboo topic, and as a result, we were wired to think sex is a shameful act. But, it’s not. You need to get to the point where you view sex as normal and to get there, you need to get rid of anything that represents sexual shame.
Sex is a vulnerable act, and it already requires a degree of confidence to stay in that place of vulnerability. This confidence will only come when you tell yourself that sex is natural, normal and a part of human nature. It is nothing to be ashamed of. To get to that point however, you need to shun people who make sex sound shameful.
Conclusion
Sex is all about opening up to someone in a way that not everyone gets to experience. And it can be a beautiful thing, but insecurities can get in the way of you making the most of this experience. This is why they should be dealt with, but remember to take it one step at a time. Good luck!
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